Over the past few years really, I've been struggling. I've been struggling to really really let go of everything in my past which causes me problems. I'll post about that stuff later when I can see my notes I wrote on Sunday. It's going to be a long process but it's going to be totally worth it in the end and I can feel God is working in me to make it happen.

You know when you're first a Christian and you're meant to leave a load of your old life, well I think I became a Christian too soon because stuff happens in the process of growing up that can shape you and stuff that I would have left behind if I were born-again now, or baptised now has happened since I've been saved and I need to do that now, but it's a shame that it's happened since I've been saved because I don't want them as part of my Christian life. I'm in a house-cleaning mood and it's about time too, it's been over 10 years since the world's really done stuff to me and more than that since I've been a Christian, I wasn't ready to make that commitment when I was so young, and I was too immature to deal with the stuff that's happened since I started my walk with God and it's having some serious consequences in my life now - please see the post below this one if ya wanna know what I mean.

God is really helping me though and I'm feeling a new freedom and I can actually feed God is taking away my old desires and replacing them with a new sense of wanting to know Him and His will for my life and to be living in it. I know (becasue it's been said over my life) that He does have a girlfriend and then a wife for me and I've been seeking that and not Him. I've had times when I've put down my thoughts and feelings but have gone back to them after a little while. I haven't been there for very long, but I'm thinking this is different and that God is totally behind me now and that it isn't me doing it all by myself but that God is there for me and really changing my thoughts and desires but it isn't in an intrusive way, I'm letting Him do it.

I think I'm now at a point in my life where I'm tired of living only a partial existance and life in God when through what I've experienced when I do give up stuff to Him is so great, but the enemy alway whispers to me and gets his way in the end, but I'm determined to take hold of the authority God has given me and to move onwards and upwards with what God wants to do in my life.

Today we had a great speaker at church and I'll blog about what he said when I get time, it was all about intemacy with God, all stuff I've been thinking about recently especially after my experience at Faith Camp. A lot of my problems do come from stuff I'm too frightened to let go of because I've made them such a part of who I am, that I keep thinking if I let them go, I wont be me. Thing is, I'm not a great person, and I need to let those things go and become more like Jesus. I've only been plodding though life, in a zombie-like state and I'm sick and tired of it. I want to be living and life, real life comes though Jesus. I need to welcome Him in and let Him do what He has to do, and I have to do my part. My part is to leave behind the past and to move on, to let her go [see previous post, which I'll post soon] it's going to be a procdess and I don't think it will happen all at once as if by magic, it's a work of faith and I believe on my part perseverence. I think God wants me to go on this journey and for me to know He is going to be and for me to have faith. I believe this whole thing is about faith.

I thank God that He's put me on this journey and this is going to be my testimoney. I haven't had a rough life expecially. I've not done anything bad in the worlds eyes especially, I haven't done drugs, drink or stealing but this whole thing in my life is what God is going to have for me as my testimoney because I know that when I do get free and do find someone, that's going to be such a big thing and it's going to be the thing I tell people that God has done for me. See I don't think I would have survived the lives some people have, I think I literally would have died if I'd lived the life of a drug addict or whatever and I believe that is partly why God has made me not like alcohol especially because some of the stuff that's happened to me would have made me drink to excess but I haven't and my testimoney though is going to be my big struggle. The struggle of intemacy with God and the struggle with myself in relationships and the damage that's been done to me.

God's doing a great work in my and I feel that I'm finally going to get out of it, I feel it's time now for God to do this and I have faith that He will do it now. However there's stuff I'm going to have to do and I'm going to have to be extra vigilant, looking out for the enemy's subtle tricks, I know they'll come and some have already started and God has prevented them turning into something bad. I need to take hold of the authority God has given me (something that's been said over me a number of times) and have faith in it/Him.

Well, this is one long post and I'll post about the other stuff later. I'll post-date it so it looks like it's under here because I think it needs to be read before this.

God bless you all who read this and remember that God can help you though and that He has the power and it is hard but keep at it and just look and see if there's something you have to give up and do it. I know it's harder than it sounds, and you'll see that from my next post. I think that it has to be the right time sometimes, you need to get to a certain point in your life and in your faith for you to let God do it. Well that's what I think from my experience, I don't have any scripture to back it up and I wish I did and that's part of what God is doing for me, giving me a hunger for His word.

Well, I need to go but I'll post that other stuff soon.

God bless you all.